One of the habits that I used to have is to offer excuses for things I did or did not do. For example, if I was late for keiko (tea class) I would blame it on traffic, or something came up, or someone else detained me. Quite often, I would spend time on my way to class to make sure that my excuse sounded plausible when in reality, the simple reason for my being late is that I did not plan ahead or I lost track of the time and started too late to make it to class on time.
When I went to Japan, the sensei there were not particularly interested in my excuses. The fact remained that I was late. Being late is rude to the people in class and to anyone else who is waiting for you to show up. Sensei was interested in apologies and steps to make it up to the people (including him) who were kept waiting by my lateness.
It is a hard habit to break this offering of excuses. Sensei would cut me off if I started to do it and wait for my apology. If I continued to try to explain myself (articulate my excuse), I was not allowed in class. I felt stifled and uncomfortable and yes, angry that he would not let me use my justifications and rationalizations for why it was not my fault for being late.
And that is the lesson, isn’t it? That being late was my fault. I knew when class started and really there was no excuse for me to be late. When I offered my excuse, I felt much better and it relieved me of the responsibility of getting to class on time. If I did not get the chance to excuse, explain, justify or rationalize my being late, the responsibility of getting to class on time remained with me.
In spite of the difficulties, I made a commitment to get to class on time. Everyone else made that commitment, too. I was not special just because I had difficulties. Everyone has difficulties. The best thing to do is to apologize for my rudeness and change my behavior so as not to make people wait for me.
Sep 9, 2008
Excuses, excuses
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I had the same experience going to Midorikai. I would always try to explain why I was late, but after a while and some helpful advice from my sempai I think I got better at it.
ReplyDeleteMarius,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. It is good to know that the teaching still continues. Being at Midorikai really made me take a hard look at my life. I kind of think of Midorikai as "boot camp for tea people."
Take care,
Margie
The problem with making excuses is that it is a way of avoiding full responsibility. It's a little bit like lying - you can actually feel the mind skittering sideways, trying to find a way of not facing up to reality. Not a very comfortable or wholesome mindstate.
ReplyDeleteSo for that reason alone, I think it's very compassionate of our sensei-s to discourage our excuse-making. It's so much better to be honest, apologize simply and sincerely, and try to do better next time.
chamekke,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. Tea is self revealing, isn't it? I have learned more about myself studying tea, and I think that it has made me more compassionate toward other people. Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is not let them get away with responsibility when it truly belongs with them.
Take care,
Margie